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There is little in this world more uncomfortable than the sound of your baby or toddler crying. That’s why many new parents will do anything to stop it from happening. The sound is unnerving, frustrating, and leads to us feeling like we are failing our baby.
We will jiggle them, pat them, shush them, and even feed when they aren’t hungry in a desperate attempt to make it stop. Ultimately, our own discomfort is better than allowing any sort of discomfort for our baby.
Then there comes the toddler years where they become verbal and recognize what triggers us to respond in a certain way. Now don’t mistake my words for “manipulation” because they are by no means manipulating you. They just learned that when they go to bed and are expected to fall asleep on their own (antecedent), if they cry and say they are scared (behavior), you will come in and help them fall asleep by laying with them or whatever else they are used to you doing (consequence). Then, repeat this process throughout the night.
Were they actually scared? Maybe, but probably not if you have set the foundation and have spent the 30 minutes before bed filling up their emotional cup during the bedtime routine like I focus on in my program.
In fact, the more parents attempt to stop the crying, the more anxious that everyone becomes.
Here are 3 reasons why I no longer work with families that can’t stand to have a crying baby:
It suppresses your baby’s emotions.
Your baby is expressing healthy emotions. They are allowed to be frustrated that they are tired and want to be asleep. They’re allowed to feel things. When you’ve done the foundational work, there isn’t an unmet need. It’s simply an emotion.
Your baby’s crying is likely triggering your own emotional issues. Ask yourself, why am I so against my baby having sad, mad, or frustrated emotions? It's likely deeper for you than it is for them.
It disregards what is actually going on.
Sometimes, your baby just needs to feel what they’re feeling and be supported through it, not distracted from it. For example, you fed them before beginning the bedtime routine, go through the routine, and then lay them down in their crib. They start to scream, so you nurse them to sleep. This scream wasn’t due to hunger, yet they were distracted from this big feeling with feeding.
The core of secure attachment, attunement, means accurately responding to their emotions. This isn’t accurately responding.
Crying is a healthy healing mechanism.
Have you ever felt better after getting out that cry you’ve been suppressing? Me too! Nothing feels worse than having emotions that make me want to cry, but I’m in a situation where I can’t. The relief that comes when I can just let it out, deal, and move on is unmatched.
Your baby deserves this, too. Research shows that everyone benefits from a good cry, and that it helps restore the body’s chemical balance after a time of stress. This doesn’t mean that every time your baby cries there is a threat (hunger, soiled, abandoned). They’re having feelings and telling you what those feelings are with the communication tools that they currently have.
Your baby will feel stress anyways.
Whether you suppress their cries to get them to stop, or you support them through these feelings, they're going to experience a rise in cortisol levels (stress hormone) anyways. Why? Because when your baby is overtired, their body increases the production of cortisol! That's why overtired children tend to get "the zoomies" or a burst of energy. This actually makes sleep harder for them, leading to more frustration, aka more crying.
When you assist your baby to sleep and it doesn't work for them because now, they are waking and needing that support between every sleep cycle, it actually is reducing the quality of their sleep and therefore creating a cycle of overtired...meaning elevated stress levels.
What can you do instead?
I'm not shaming you. It is a natural mother's instinct to make your baby's crying stop. It takes intentional responses to change this. Remember, not every cry is a cry for an unmet basic need.
Of course, check for an immediate need to be sure – hunger, cold, soiled. If they are still fussy, crying, or generally discontent, check for any signs of illness (but don’t overthink it). If that checks out and all their basic needs are met, all you can do is support them through those feelings.
Respond gently, calmly, and supportively without stressing over making it stop. Remember, sometimes these things just happen and that’s okay.
When it comes to supporting your baby’s sleep, periodically let them know that you are still there, that you understand this is hard, but that they can do it.
And don’t forget to check your own emotions!
Babies are so tuned into their mothers, so if you are stressed over their crying and sleep, they are going to feel that, too.
That is why I am no longer accepting sleep clients when they say that they cannot stand any sort of crying. It’s just not reasonable and it tells me that there is personal work that needs to be done before we can get this work done together.
I’ll be here when you’re ready.
How does this work with my program?
I focus heavily on the foundation. This means that all throughout the day and especially in those 30 minutes before bedtime, we are focusing on being highly attuned to your baby's needs and setting them up for the most success at bedtime. Yes, this can even be done with daycare babies!
We will never ignore any needs. I will never ask you to shut your baby's door and not return until morning despite their crying.
You will be tuned into your baby, listening to their cues, and responding accordingly, all while not doing the work of going to sleep for them.
If this sounds aligned with what you are looking for, apply for the program here.
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